Snake Bitten
Jack Black and Paul Rudd head to the Amazon for this ‘spiritual sequel’ to the good-bad cult favourite. Not sure why.
Anaconda
Director: Tom Gormican • Writers: Tom Gormican, Kevin Etten
Starring: Jack Black, Paul Rudd, Thandiwe Newton, Selton Mello, Daniela Melchior
USA • 1hr 39mins
Opens Hong Kong December 24 • IIA
Grade: D
At one point in the somnolent, totally not hilarious meta-remake of the J.Lo-starring 1997 stinker Anaconda, failed filmmaker Doug McCallister (Jack Black, doing Minecraft-lite) describes his remake of the original Anaconda as a “spiritual sequel” to that film, pivoting on the theme of getting eaten alive if you don’t try and live your dreams. I would safely describe this Anaconda as being the closest thing you’ll ever get to an encounter with the real anaconda, and it will leave you with a keen understanding of what it feels like to have the life squeezed out of you.
Who exactly this half-baked mess is for is anyone’s guess. Writer-director Tom Gormican has a list of credits that can be described as either “Not as bad as I expected it to be” (Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F) or “Not as smart as I expected it to be” (The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent). In Anaconda he manages to whiff it on both fronts, and along with regular co-writer Kevin Etten churns out a confused mass of juvenile, unfocused storytelling, baffling try-hard jokes, grating characters and simultaneously tired and misguided needle drops. This Anaconda is supposed to be an intentionally dumb comedy; the ’97 was a notorious chuckler for all the wrong reasons (hello, Jon Voight). But it’s not funny. It’s not scary. It’s thin on action. Once again I ask: Who is this for?
Something in the Amazon has to eat them
There’s a lot of inside baseball-type jokes about Hollywood and the film industry peppered throughout Anaconda, none of which are very searing or insightful, particulary in a world where 8 1/2, The Player, Tropic Thunder and most recently The Studio exist. That’s kind of supposed to be the gut-busting point, but with the exception of a few swipes at Sony and the laboured creative process under multiple regimes that want to exploit IP it’s far from a scandalous hot take. At the risk of being repetitive, may I just point out that 8 1/2 is from fucking 1963! Gormican and Etten are far from cutting edge territory here (they touched on this in Massive Talent too). And that would be fine if the rest of the movie were less inert.
The action, such as it is, begins with Doug’s bestie Ronald Griffen, or Griff (Paul Rudd, showing his age), getting canned from his one-line extra part on a hospital drama shooting in LA for being to actorly, and then making his way to his hometown in Buffalo (this is ripe for jokes that don’t happen) and Doug’s birthday party. They reunite with old chums Claire (Thandiwe Newton, wasted), a lawyer on the verge of divorce, and photographer Kenny (Steve Zahn, also wasted), who’s still battling alcohol and pill problems – which Zahn is enirely capable of making truly funny but gets no chance to. Anyway, Griff tells them he’s acquired the rights to their collective favourite childhood guilty pleasure and off they go to the Amazon to remake the film “indie style,” and perhaps shake off middle-aged malaise. There are some actual criminals, a competing remake crew and a murderous giant snake (which admittedly looks much better) to contend with. The rest is in the trailer.
Anaconda is one of those mid-range big studio comedies that aim for four quardrants and sometimes, when the stars align, hit all four. They’re a rare beast now but earlier this year The Naked Gun remake/sequel pulled it off, mostly thanks to a committed cast and a self-aware script that managed to avoid tipping into self-consciousness. Anaconda aims at everything and just leaves spatter on the walls. There’s not nearly enough gore if it was trying to embrace its horror elements. The industry humour is tired, the comedy is middling. You can almost hear the boardroom erupting in applause when Kenny has to piss on Doug when he’s bitten by a spider, fully believing the IIA/12/PG-13 rating is in the can. But are the “kids” who love wee jokes amused by Motley Crue’s “Kickstart My Heart”? What does Sony and/or Gormican have on Newton to compel her to agree to this? She’s given nothing to do, which is right in line with Daniela Melchior’s (Road House) local Brazilian foil Ana Almeida, and for that matter Selton Mello as snake handler Santiago. Jesus, the guy was in an Oscar-winner last year: I’m Still Here. Rudd and Black do Rudd and Black, just without any of the alleged wit each is supposed to be known for; at this point Rudd is turning into Bill Murray and is wearing out his welcome. But major caveat: Humour is subjective and it’s entirely possible there’s an audience for the shenanigans on display here. To whoever finds it a laugh riot… Great. It’s the end of a shit year, so for anyone it works for godspeed. It just doesn’t work for me. I’d fire up Lake Placid instead if the mood for a dumb killer reptile movie struck. Or Deep Blue Sea. At least that one has a banger of a song at the end. How exactly is your hat like a shark’s fin?