Terrifying
If you’re into the ‘Scary MOvie’ brand of crass humour and take-the-piss low-hanging fruit, you’re weekend is set.
scary Movie
Director: Michael Tiddes • Writers: Marlon Wayans, Shawn Wayans, Keenen Ivory Wayans, Craig Wayans, Rick Alvarez
Starring: Marlon Wayans, Anna Faris, Regina Hall, Shawn Wayans,
USA • 1hr 36mins
Opens Hong Kong June 4 • III
Grade: D
The English language poster (one of them) for Scary Movie says “Every line will be crossed.” ’Kay, fine. I’m all for crossing lines, especially when they’re funny. But crucially the army of writers and producers who cobbled together this string of wildly hit-and-miss skits forgot to write, you know, jokes to go with those line crossings. Mamma mia, is this movie a dumpster fire of dated humour and easy targets that are screamingly unfunny for their sheer irrelevance. “Old” cop dad can’t get used to calling his trans son a son? Radicalised Black students go overboard on correct identifications and see systemic racism at every turn? Weed makes you yell “Waaaazzzzzzup?” at the top of your lungs? FFS this is a long way from the wit that powered the Wayans Brothers machine back in the In Living Color, Hollywood Shuffle and I’m Gonna Git You Sucka days.
I’ll admit I was never a fan of the now 26-year-old Scary Movie franchise, the last entry coming in 2013, and beyond Airplane! have never been a huge fan of this kind of spoof comedy. I’ll also cop to clearly being in the minority, because the property has grossed nearly US$1 billion over the years, so it’s popular with audiences that aren’t me. And you know what? Fine. I’m about to throw some shade but hey, humour is what it is, and if you get a chuckle out of this well. Look at the world. Get ’em where you can. Fans of the series should be tickled and everyone else who’s not into it will steer clear anyway. Win-win.
No one’s windowless van is that nice
Director Michael Tiddes is a regular Wayans partner in crime (I think he’s invited to the cook-out) and aside from being an ally it’s hard to see what exactly he brings to the table. He likely got shit done on time and on budget, including last minute re-shoots as recently as a few weeks ago to keep the film ultra-current. Doesn’t matter what his strengths are beside that because Scary Movie (sometimes Scary Movie 6) has zero focus; even less than the other parts of the series if that’s possible, and lurches from one tepid dick/oral sex/drug/dildo/body fluid/wypipo joke to the next with only the barest hint of narrative coherence. If nothing else Scary Movie earns its Cat III.
There’s a tiny nugget of cleverness buried deep down in Scary Movie about the next generation picking up the baton and a legacy generation that isn’t quite ready to pass it on. But little comes of that. Like it’s spiritual ancestor, Scream, we begin with a cold open murder, and we’re led to believe FUCKING BADASS OSCAR NOMINEE Teyana Taylor will be the victim; her yellow dress and walk down a dark alley mirrors Samara Weaving’s in Scream VI. Taylor is fun, sending up her own image and letting you hope for a few minutes this Scary Movie might be okay. Then it leaps to a Final Destination Amusement Park where we meet the first of our next generation characters, Cindy’s strung out daughter Sara (Olivia Rose Keegan) and her boyfriend Jack (Cameron Scott Roberts). There’s some legit funny background action that raises the hopes yet again that maybe, maybe, in their own old age the Wayans’ wit may have matured, and we’ll be treated to a fresh coat of paint and a renewed energy from the franchise.
Ha! Joke’s on you. They have not, and before you can take a bong hit we’re back to watching Shorty, played once again by Marlon Wayans – who was so tremendous in the undercooked Him it’s hard to figure how it’s the same dude – being Shorty, enduring the same, tired gay jokes from Ray (Shawn Wayans), bestie bullshit from Cindy and Shorty’s sister Brenda (Anna Faris, sleepwalking, and Regina Hall, cashing a cheque), and the gross… whatever it is between Gail Hailstorm and idiot sheriff Doofy Gilmore (Cheri Oteri and Dave Sheridan). Their own Ghostface killer is back in town and he’s targeting their kids, including Sara, her sister Tuesday (Savannah Lee Nassif), and Brenda’s son Brad (Gregg Wayans) and daughter Dei (Sydney Park). Along the way Tiddes and the writers take swipes at The Substance, Get Out, Halloween, M3GAN, Smile, Terrifier 3, Sinners, Wednesday, Longlegs, Weapons, the list goes on and horror nerds will have a great time spotting all the references. But there are no out-loud guffaw moments in Scary Movie that make the dumb parts less painful. No, it’s just a lot of cringey, half-loaded barbs that feel five years too late (if I’m being generous), all dialled up to 11. Franchise fans may go for it. They’re older now too, so a guilty pleasure from the before times often comes with a lot of good will, and a willingness to forgive aggressive stupidity. It does have its moments – and it could be much worse. It could be Meet the Spartans. Shudder.